Special Deliveries.....memoirs

Well, Bill Cosby once said giving birth was like a man grabbing his bottom lip and pulling it over his head, or like that rich man getting to heaven...you know the whole needle/camel thing (ouch!). I know most of y'all have been through labor or held a leg or two, but what makes it interesting is when you find yourself in those situations with different religions, cultures, ages, pain levels, etc, sometimes very entertaining. I just finished OB/Gynechiatry (I call it) last week at the Labor and Delivery in Richmond Hills about 10 miles east of Manhatten. Though I saw things I hope I never have to see again, in the contest of the both evil and benign, here are 3 of the finalists.

Bronze Medal goes to: Luke ch 2. Around the 23rd of December the L&D floor was packed, many people wanted to Induce and get home before Christmas with a new baby. We had a hispanic couple come in late--all we had was one of the small triage rooms till-- we could get a decent suite. While doing the history her name was Maria (Mary) and the husband's name was José (Joseph). Wow!! And the baby's name? You guessed it------Alejandro. Either way there were no complications--and I did get the baby some nice Aveeno oil from the nursery. On a side note...God always prepared men to do his special work by showing them visions of the work being done, then the finished product. I hope before Joseph got to bethlehem he had one of the visions of the birth, and he didn't faint, and he knew about the placenta too, and uterine atony, and sterile technique episiotimies. Of course, in bethlehem, there were lots of experienced animals around as well who had all been through it.

Silver Medal goes to: A nurse. My second day we had a muslim patient that I was assisting in delivery. I was doing the enthusiastic/dramatic coaching, and after about 3 hours of pushing, the baby finally was delivered--prayers were pronounced immediately and the nurse slapped the father's bracelet on my hand--- ya know the one the father gets so he can take the baby to the nursery and security clearance. I looked at the nurse somewhat cockeyed, she said, "You're not the father? but you were so into it...wow!" I replied with a red neck twang, "Well, mam, if that's what it'll take to git a gud grade on this rotation, I just could be--whatever u want. But--- you might want to give it to Achmed, the dark skinned guy with the long white robe and the turban shaking his head over there on the couch---before things get too crazy." The nurse agreed.

Gold medal goes to: Tight sweatpants. While not considered a trend setter or used for attraction, sweatpants do save lives. Last monday a few minutes before coming on shift I was the only one not in the conference room for shift change (for some odd reason). I hear a man's voice yell down the hall "Ya viene el nino. Ya viene el nino!!! (The baby's coming!!). And I knew this was not a weather pattern change. I sprinted down the hall, watched the woman collapse in her husband's arms, and he slowly lowered her to the floor in the middle of the hallway. Again, I was the only one there. I pulled down the sweatpants (and a thong) and quickly heard a loud cry from the middle of the woman's sweat pants on the floor. I yelled for some gloves--that another patient threw at me from a room, I shakingly picked up the perfect little thing out of the sweat pants, reduced the chord, and gave him to mama. By then the word got out... and nurses were scrambling...then the doc clamped and cut the chord and she was able to walk into a nearby room. We all took pics with the family. They said they were thinking of naming the baby Andres (Andy)Wow!! But my question is, how did the baby get past that thong? and----I'm glad she wasn't wearing a dress...

Anyway, now on to Orthopaedic surgery.... all men---a stable environment. I won't have to instruct women on how to breast feed, how long they have to wait till they can be intimate again, bleeding, crying, the funny flatus question, whining, yelling, cramping, pushing, etc. OB was fun, but it is a job for women or men who pretend to be one...not for me. Studies say that every 10 seconds there is a woman giving birth somewhere in the world............she should be found........ and stopped! FYI: The above pic is one I pulled off the internet, not an actual patient.